Like the Creating or Re-experiencing a Pleasant Scene induction, subjects find this induction very personal, eliciting the experience of the therapist "dancing" with them. As in the previous induction, you need to be prepared to pace and lead a variety of possible nonverbal behaviors.
Pre-trance discussion is used to seed outside and inside, which is central to the experience of this induction. We may ask subjects, "What's the weather like outside now?" or, "The temperature in here, inside this room, how does it feel to you?" Even more directly, we may tell them, "Today in the induction I'm going to ask you to experience some things inside and outside. Many people find this a very interesting experience, something in which they can become very absorbed." Subjects are also prepared for eye closure: "In a moment I'm going to ask you to look around the room and notice some things, and then ask you to close your eyes so we can draw a contrast between the two experiences. How does that sound?" If they decline, we tell them that is fine and simply proceed with something else.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Creating Or Re-Experiencing A Pleasant Scene Hypnosis - Part 3
DEEPENING
(Subject's name), among all the different aspects of your pleasant experience, perhaps there is one very vivid or memorable thing, maybe a feeling on your skin, maybe the thought of being there in that experience, maybe a color or a scent, a deep breath, or something else. Now in a moment I'm going to ask you to imagine one of those things, that's the way, and when one very pleasant thing from that experience comes to mind, let me know by nodding your head ... good ... and I'd like you to continue thinking of that one thing now, feeling and experiencing it, while I count out loud, from ten down to one, and as those numbers descend you can imagine yourself sinking even deeper into that pleasant experience ... ten ... nine ...
REALERTING
After the therapy portion, the subject may be realerted (speaking with a bit more volume) by, "As I count from one up to five you will begin to feel alert, and by the time my voice gets up to five you will feel alert and refreshed ... one ... two ..."
DEBRIEFING
Subjects are often fascinated by the way they can become absorbed in a rather simple exercise, especially one that is generated from their own experience. You might ask, "Do you wish to tell me what pleasant situation you imagined?" Most subjects will be eager to reveal this. Then foster their interest or fascination by asking about the quality of their experience, e.g., "Tell me more about walking along that beach ..." It is important to focus on the aspect of the imaginal experience elicited in the deepening, as this will both ratify trance and give you valuable information about the subject's capacity for imaginal absorption.
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
This induction works best if drawn out with ample pauses and silences, which allow the subject time to experience suggestions. Notice how pleasant was seeded early on, and later activated, in the induction.
Occasionally, subject may be unable to imagine something when asked to do so. If you do not receive a head nod, simply proceed with something like, "I'm going to count down now from ten to one and as those numbers descend you can imagine, in your own way, going deeper and deeper into trance." Debriefing is vital in finding out what does work and what does not work for the subject. With this information, you can adapt subsequent trancework to the subject's particular needs. We take note of virtually everything the subject says during debriefing, as these responses are most valuable in utilization. Fragments, curious impressions, or idle wonderings can become building blocks of therapy. The essence of utilization is being able to convert or reframe something negative ("If life hands you lemons, make lemonade"). For example, if a subject reports, "All I could think about was my dry mouth and how I didn't swallow," then next session would add, " ... and some people find it most curious - almost to the point of distraction - how they can notice certain feelings and sensations in their body, maybe something rather different than they expected, and these responses are perfectly normal and natural, and in fact sometimes people can become absorbed in these things, deepening their experience, and other times people pay passing notice before turning to something else in their body that catches their attention ..."
In this induction you need to be ready to place and lead a range of behaviours that may arise: changes in the breathing, moving around in the chair, flushing of the cheeks, eye flutter, etc. Eye flutter may mean distress or incongruence (feeling as if something doesn't "fit"). The subject may not remember this fleeting moment when queried during debriefing, so it is advisable to make a mental note of what you are saying when eye flutter occurs.
It is easy to understand how some subjects think you can actually read their minds when you become adept at pacing and leading. For example, the subject experiences eye flutter, which is followed by a positional shift and a long sigh. Your response is " ... and sometimes in trance a person may experience something upsetting, or maybe a strange thought or feeling, which can lead to changing position - or even perspective - and exhaling deeply can help a person appreciate the comfort of trance on an even deeper level ..."
(Subject's name), among all the different aspects of your pleasant experience, perhaps there is one very vivid or memorable thing, maybe a feeling on your skin, maybe the thought of being there in that experience, maybe a color or a scent, a deep breath, or something else. Now in a moment I'm going to ask you to imagine one of those things, that's the way, and when one very pleasant thing from that experience comes to mind, let me know by nodding your head ... good ... and I'd like you to continue thinking of that one thing now, feeling and experiencing it, while I count out loud, from ten down to one, and as those numbers descend you can imagine yourself sinking even deeper into that pleasant experience ... ten ... nine ...
REALERTING
After the therapy portion, the subject may be realerted (speaking with a bit more volume) by, "As I count from one up to five you will begin to feel alert, and by the time my voice gets up to five you will feel alert and refreshed ... one ... two ..."
DEBRIEFING
Subjects are often fascinated by the way they can become absorbed in a rather simple exercise, especially one that is generated from their own experience. You might ask, "Do you wish to tell me what pleasant situation you imagined?" Most subjects will be eager to reveal this. Then foster their interest or fascination by asking about the quality of their experience, e.g., "Tell me more about walking along that beach ..." It is important to focus on the aspect of the imaginal experience elicited in the deepening, as this will both ratify trance and give you valuable information about the subject's capacity for imaginal absorption.
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
This induction works best if drawn out with ample pauses and silences, which allow the subject time to experience suggestions. Notice how pleasant was seeded early on, and later activated, in the induction.
Occasionally, subject may be unable to imagine something when asked to do so. If you do not receive a head nod, simply proceed with something like, "I'm going to count down now from ten to one and as those numbers descend you can imagine, in your own way, going deeper and deeper into trance." Debriefing is vital in finding out what does work and what does not work for the subject. With this information, you can adapt subsequent trancework to the subject's particular needs. We take note of virtually everything the subject says during debriefing, as these responses are most valuable in utilization. Fragments, curious impressions, or idle wonderings can become building blocks of therapy. The essence of utilization is being able to convert or reframe something negative ("If life hands you lemons, make lemonade"). For example, if a subject reports, "All I could think about was my dry mouth and how I didn't swallow," then next session would add, " ... and some people find it most curious - almost to the point of distraction - how they can notice certain feelings and sensations in their body, maybe something rather different than they expected, and these responses are perfectly normal and natural, and in fact sometimes people can become absorbed in these things, deepening their experience, and other times people pay passing notice before turning to something else in their body that catches their attention ..."
In this induction you need to be ready to place and lead a range of behaviours that may arise: changes in the breathing, moving around in the chair, flushing of the cheeks, eye flutter, etc. Eye flutter may mean distress or incongruence (feeling as if something doesn't "fit"). The subject may not remember this fleeting moment when queried during debriefing, so it is advisable to make a mental note of what you are saying when eye flutter occurs.
It is easy to understand how some subjects think you can actually read their minds when you become adept at pacing and leading. For example, the subject experiences eye flutter, which is followed by a positional shift and a long sigh. Your response is " ... and sometimes in trance a person may experience something upsetting, or maybe a strange thought or feeling, which can lead to changing position - or even perspective - and exhaling deeply can help a person appreciate the comfort of trance on an even deeper level ..."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Creating Or Re-Experiencing A Pleasant Scene Hypnosis - Part 2
INDUCTION
As you sit back and begin to feel comfortably relaxed, I would like you (contingent suggestion) to let those eyes gently close ... that's the way ... recognizing that with those eyes closed you can go inside very pleasantly, (implication seeding, activated) accessing memories, past experiences, or other meaningful events, times gone by when you felt good. Now, (subject's name), I'd like you to take two deep, refreshing breaths and as you release that second breath you can drift (linking word) even more deeply into a satisfying a pleasant (implication seeding, activated) state of relaxation ...
Now, (subject's name), a few seconds ago when I mentioned thinking about a pleasant (seeding, activated) time from the past, perhaps something came to mind, and if so, you may nod your head ... (if a head nod is not forthcoming) and, if not, you can retrieve or even just imagine experiencing (permissive suggestion) something pleasant (seeding, activated) now, anything you like ... You don't have to say what it is and you can just enjoy it internally and privately ... (if a head nod still has not happened), and it can be anything you like, anything at all. One time a person (metaphor) sitting right there thought about a nice warm bath, and another though about a cool shower (apposition of opposites), a walk in the woods or along the beach, and when you have that pleasant experience there (implication), you may nod your head ... good ... breathing comfortably and relaxed, just letting it happen all by itself.
Now, (subject's name), in your mind there (dissociative language), I'd like you to notice if you're inside or outside ... if it's daytime or nighttime, and perhaps you even know approximately what time it is ... hours and minutes, clock time, which isn't like trance time ... and if it's light or dark ... just noticing things inside as well as outside (apposition of opposites)...
Just feel (suggestions) the temperature on your skin ... and notice all the other things around you and notice colors around you ... and patterns ... and sounds ... or silence.
Feel each part of your body and the movements, there in that place, ... and notice your breathing ... the clothes you are wearing ... their texture on your skin ... on your arms or perhaps your back ... or maybe somewhere else, and feel your breath ... there where you are in that pleasant place, enjoying and appreciating it ...
As you sit back and begin to feel comfortably relaxed, I would like you (contingent suggestion) to let those eyes gently close ... that's the way ... recognizing that with those eyes closed you can go inside very pleasantly, (implication seeding, activated) accessing memories, past experiences, or other meaningful events, times gone by when you felt good. Now, (subject's name), I'd like you to take two deep, refreshing breaths and as you release that second breath you can drift (linking word) even more deeply into a satisfying a pleasant (implication seeding, activated) state of relaxation ...
Now, (subject's name), a few seconds ago when I mentioned thinking about a pleasant (seeding, activated) time from the past, perhaps something came to mind, and if so, you may nod your head ... (if a head nod is not forthcoming) and, if not, you can retrieve or even just imagine experiencing (permissive suggestion) something pleasant (seeding, activated) now, anything you like ... You don't have to say what it is and you can just enjoy it internally and privately ... (if a head nod still has not happened), and it can be anything you like, anything at all. One time a person (metaphor) sitting right there thought about a nice warm bath, and another though about a cool shower (apposition of opposites), a walk in the woods or along the beach, and when you have that pleasant experience there (implication), you may nod your head ... good ... breathing comfortably and relaxed, just letting it happen all by itself.
Now, (subject's name), in your mind there (dissociative language), I'd like you to notice if you're inside or outside ... if it's daytime or nighttime, and perhaps you even know approximately what time it is ... hours and minutes, clock time, which isn't like trance time ... and if it's light or dark ... just noticing things inside as well as outside (apposition of opposites)...
Just feel (suggestions) the temperature on your skin ... and notice all the other things around you and notice colors around you ... and patterns ... and sounds ... or silence.
Feel each part of your body and the movements, there in that place, ... and notice your breathing ... the clothes you are wearing ... their texture on your skin ... on your arms or perhaps your back ... or maybe somewhere else, and feel your breath ... there where you are in that pleasant place, enjoying and appreciating it ...
Creating Or Re-Experiencing A Pleasant Scene Hypnosis - Part 1
This induction, like the Perceiving Sensations induction, is very economical. It may appear to be quite simple, which it is, but that should not imply that it is easy. Clinicians who can use these inductions effectively usually have some previous hypnotherapy experience and already know some other inductions. People trained in neurolinguistic programming as well as hypnosis often prefer these inductions because they utilize the subject's current, ongoing behavior. These are also the inductions of choice among many Ericksonian hypnotherapists in Mexico, where the rich culture and language may aid in joining with a person's sensory experience.
Compared to conventional psychotherapy, hypnotherapy accelerates rapport because subjects must feel trust if the therapist is to lead them through the steps of trancework. Trust and rapport are expedited even more with inductions such as this one, in which the therapist closely observes subjects, pacing and leading their behavior. The therapist's leverage for influencing behavioral change may also be accelerated in very "personal" inductions such as these, in which subject and therapist seem to dance in sync.
We have found that subjects who do not close their eyes have difficulty experiencing these inductions. Accordingly, we like to find out about eye closure before we begin. We may say, for example, "Do this for me, please: Close your eyes for a second or two ... good ... now go ahead and close your eyes while I count to ten ... good, how did that feel?" We then ask if they would like to keep their eyes closed throughout today's trancework in order to have a more complete and pleasant (seeding) experience. Most people will say yes, but if the answer is no, we usually go to another induction, such as Eye Fixation or Don't Try Too Hard. If people feel uncomfortable with eye closure, this must be respected.
Compared to conventional psychotherapy, hypnotherapy accelerates rapport because subjects must feel trust if the therapist is to lead them through the steps of trancework. Trust and rapport are expedited even more with inductions such as this one, in which the therapist closely observes subjects, pacing and leading their behavior. The therapist's leverage for influencing behavioral change may also be accelerated in very "personal" inductions such as these, in which subject and therapist seem to dance in sync.
We have found that subjects who do not close their eyes have difficulty experiencing these inductions. Accordingly, we like to find out about eye closure before we begin. We may say, for example, "Do this for me, please: Close your eyes for a second or two ... good ... now go ahead and close your eyes while I count to ten ... good, how did that feel?" We then ask if they would like to keep their eyes closed throughout today's trancework in order to have a more complete and pleasant (seeding) experience. Most people will say yes, but if the answer is no, we usually go to another induction, such as Eye Fixation or Don't Try Too Hard. If people feel uncomfortable with eye closure, this must be respected.
Don't Try Too Hard - Part 3
DEEPENING
(Subject's name), I would like you to imagine, just imagine in your mind, a staircase, an elevator, or an escalator, something that goes down one floor at a time. When you have one of those in your mind, let me know by nodding your head ... Good, that's the way.
Now I'd like you to go down that staircase or whatever you're picturing in your mind, down from ten to one, at your own pace, in your own way, letting your experience deepen with each number down, and when you've gotten there, you will know and I will know because you will take one more deep, comfortable breath ... Good, that's the way.
REALERTING
After therapy, the subject may be realerted with the following: "In a few moments, your eyes will open. When you awaken, you may forget to remember, or you may remember to forget (bind of comparable alternatives/suggestion for amnesia) the important unconscious work you did here today. Soon, but not just yet, you'll be opening your eyes. You will feel great, just as though you have had a very pleasant nap. Your whole body will feel relaxed and refreshed. Everything about you will be comfortable and relaxed, your body and your mind, very relaxed and comfortable. And now, take several refreshing, energizing breaths and let yourself become fully alert and awake."
DEBRIEFING
As this induction is heavily oriented toward bodily relaxation, trance-ratifying questions should be directed accordingly. Since a suggestion for amnesia was given at the end, you may ask, "Do you have any conscious recollection of unconscious things that came to mind back there when you raised your finger?"
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
A period of silence is provided at the end of the induction. A "quiet time" such as this is one of the most effective deepening techniques we know, and it certainly follows the law of parsimony: less is more, and sometimes the absence of our words can be highly beneficial. For many subjects, further deepening wil be unnecessary.
The formal deepening portion is very permissive and, in effect, allows for subjects to go down any way they choose. This is important for people with pain or without mobility.
Notice that nothing is taken for granted. You know when they are ready to go deeper because they respond with a finger signal. When you ask the person to imagine something, you verify it by eliciting a head nod or some other signal. Occasionally they may not signal. If that happnes, some therapists repeat the request. However, we believe that this may create a power struggle or possibly lead subjects to think that they have failed or "got it wrong." Such negative situations are probably best avoided by simply moving on it no response is forthcoming. You can broach the problem during debriefing.
This induction introduced another way for the subject to communicate in trance: the finger signal. To be effective, subjects must place their hands on their lap where you can see them. What if you ask for a finger signal with the right hand and they move their left index finger? It may mean the subject is trying her best to cooperate. If confounding responses continue in subsequent sessions, it may be better to use a head nod instead. Finger signals will be discussed further with other inductions.
It is normal for subjects to forget some or all of what you tell them during trancework. However, you may nurture this process with suggestions for amnesia, as in this induction. Erickson and others believed that most problem-solving occurs at the level of the unconscious. Amnesia allows unconscious work to continue without interference from the conscious mind. Other ways to facilitate amnesia will be addressed in subsequent inductions.
(Subject's name), I would like you to imagine, just imagine in your mind, a staircase, an elevator, or an escalator, something that goes down one floor at a time. When you have one of those in your mind, let me know by nodding your head ... Good, that's the way.
Now I'd like you to go down that staircase or whatever you're picturing in your mind, down from ten to one, at your own pace, in your own way, letting your experience deepen with each number down, and when you've gotten there, you will know and I will know because you will take one more deep, comfortable breath ... Good, that's the way.
REALERTING
After therapy, the subject may be realerted with the following: "In a few moments, your eyes will open. When you awaken, you may forget to remember, or you may remember to forget (bind of comparable alternatives/suggestion for amnesia) the important unconscious work you did here today. Soon, but not just yet, you'll be opening your eyes. You will feel great, just as though you have had a very pleasant nap. Your whole body will feel relaxed and refreshed. Everything about you will be comfortable and relaxed, your body and your mind, very relaxed and comfortable. And now, take several refreshing, energizing breaths and let yourself become fully alert and awake."
DEBRIEFING
As this induction is heavily oriented toward bodily relaxation, trance-ratifying questions should be directed accordingly. Since a suggestion for amnesia was given at the end, you may ask, "Do you have any conscious recollection of unconscious things that came to mind back there when you raised your finger?"
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
A period of silence is provided at the end of the induction. A "quiet time" such as this is one of the most effective deepening techniques we know, and it certainly follows the law of parsimony: less is more, and sometimes the absence of our words can be highly beneficial. For many subjects, further deepening wil be unnecessary.
The formal deepening portion is very permissive and, in effect, allows for subjects to go down any way they choose. This is important for people with pain or without mobility.
Notice that nothing is taken for granted. You know when they are ready to go deeper because they respond with a finger signal. When you ask the person to imagine something, you verify it by eliciting a head nod or some other signal. Occasionally they may not signal. If that happnes, some therapists repeat the request. However, we believe that this may create a power struggle or possibly lead subjects to think that they have failed or "got it wrong." Such negative situations are probably best avoided by simply moving on it no response is forthcoming. You can broach the problem during debriefing.
This induction introduced another way for the subject to communicate in trance: the finger signal. To be effective, subjects must place their hands on their lap where you can see them. What if you ask for a finger signal with the right hand and they move their left index finger? It may mean the subject is trying her best to cooperate. If confounding responses continue in subsequent sessions, it may be better to use a head nod instead. Finger signals will be discussed further with other inductions.
It is normal for subjects to forget some or all of what you tell them during trancework. However, you may nurture this process with suggestions for amnesia, as in this induction. Erickson and others believed that most problem-solving occurs at the level of the unconscious. Amnesia allows unconscious work to continue without interference from the conscious mind. Other ways to facilitate amnesia will be addressed in subsequent inductions.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Don't Try Too Hard - Part 2
INDUCTION
(Subject's name), don't try too hard to make things happen, and don't try to stop things from happening (bind of comparable alternatives). Just allow your imagination to wander as you notice things going on, perhaps interesting or curious (hypnotic languages)thoughts or sensations, maybe on the inside or the outside, or both at the same (bind of comparable alternatives) time. You don't have to think, or reply, or try to do anything at all (not knowing/not doing). In fact, it isn't even necessary to listen (restraint) carefully to what I'm saying because your unconscious mind will inevitably pay attention (suggestion) to anything important, without any conscious effort on your part. Now, (subject's name), perhaps you thought ahead of time (suggestion) about this experience today. Maybe it crossed your mind yesterday or the day before, or maybe you wondered about it today (truisms) or in the waiting room a few minutes ago, and perhaps right now a part of you is observing the process while the rest of you just goes along with the experience (hidden observer), which is just fine, because beginning now you can let yourself go (suggestion) into just as light or deep a trance as you would like.
As you hear my voice you can allow your body to relax (contingent suggestion) as deeply as you can. Now take several deep breaths, just as deep as you'd like ... very good, that's the way ... A deep breath can feel so very comfortable and satisfying.
(If subject's eyes are not already closed) You may begin to notice that your eyes, and particularly your eyelids (suggestion), may feel very, very drowsy, heavy and somewhat sleepy ... and (linking word) as they begin to blink, they may become especially tired and heavy (suggestion), and when (when) it is hard to keep them open, those (dissociation) eyes may wish to close all by themselves (involuntariness), that's the way ... changing perspective ... and going inside can be a most curious (hypnotic language) contrast.
The feeling that you can attain in your body is a sensation of complete and total muscular relaxation (repetition) ... just relaxing into a deep and very relaxed state ... simply listening to my voice ... and drifting into a very, very pleasant state of mind ... a body that is free from all tension and tightness, free from stress and strain. As you listen to my voice guiding you into a total and complete state of relaxation (repetition) ... your mind, your body ... the muscular system, the nervous system ... lump, relaxed muscles ... and your breathing (suggestion) is the essence of deep, deep relaxation. Your entire body is becoming completely and totally relaxed, (suggestion) your head ... your face ... your neck ... shoulders ... back ... chest ... arms ... completely relaxed, very deeply relaxed, your mind and your body, relaxed, at ease, free from tension, tightness, stress and strain.
Feeling secure and at rest. Enjoying the sense of quietness and calmness. No pressure, no need to rush, no one to please, no one to satisfy. This is just your time to rest and enjoy (suggestion) a gentle peacefulness. Just letting go, quietly and gently, with nothing to bother you, and nothing to disturb you.
While you sit there quietly, you can notice your breathing (contingent suggestion), and at the same time you recognize you are moving deeper and deeper into relaxation. That's the way ...
As soon as your unconscious mind is ready to move deeper into trance, you can raise your right index finger. Good. You know, I once knew a woman (metaphor) who let her unconscious mind identify issues that had been bothering her. As she let her unconscious mind look into the solutions, that were already there inside her (embedded meaning/suggestion for internal search), she began to feel more and more at ease. And as you allow your own imagination to wander, peering into your own inside issues, your conscious mind may think about solutions, while your unconscious mind considers their implications; or perhaps your unconscious mind will generate some solutions, while your conscious mind wonders what the result might be (conscious-unconscious double bind).
And now, letting that comfort and calmness flow, out to every part of you. Bringing such a sense of peacefulness, and quiet, and calm, that any inner stresses can also relax. Allowing all the stress and strain to just fade into the background (suggestion), and become more and more distant, farther and farther away ...
And now I'm going to give you some quiet time, to continue experiencing a deep level of relaxation, enjoying it in your own way. (Allow about 90 seconds.)
(Subject's name), don't try too hard to make things happen, and don't try to stop things from happening (bind of comparable alternatives). Just allow your imagination to wander as you notice things going on, perhaps interesting or curious (hypnotic languages)thoughts or sensations, maybe on the inside or the outside, or both at the same (bind of comparable alternatives) time. You don't have to think, or reply, or try to do anything at all (not knowing/not doing). In fact, it isn't even necessary to listen (restraint) carefully to what I'm saying because your unconscious mind will inevitably pay attention (suggestion) to anything important, without any conscious effort on your part. Now, (subject's name), perhaps you thought ahead of time (suggestion) about this experience today. Maybe it crossed your mind yesterday or the day before, or maybe you wondered about it today (truisms) or in the waiting room a few minutes ago, and perhaps right now a part of you is observing the process while the rest of you just goes along with the experience (hidden observer), which is just fine, because beginning now you can let yourself go (suggestion) into just as light or deep a trance as you would like.
As you hear my voice you can allow your body to relax (contingent suggestion) as deeply as you can. Now take several deep breaths, just as deep as you'd like ... very good, that's the way ... A deep breath can feel so very comfortable and satisfying.
(If subject's eyes are not already closed) You may begin to notice that your eyes, and particularly your eyelids (suggestion), may feel very, very drowsy, heavy and somewhat sleepy ... and (linking word) as they begin to blink, they may become especially tired and heavy (suggestion), and when (when) it is hard to keep them open, those (dissociation) eyes may wish to close all by themselves (involuntariness), that's the way ... changing perspective ... and going inside can be a most curious (hypnotic language) contrast.
The feeling that you can attain in your body is a sensation of complete and total muscular relaxation (repetition) ... just relaxing into a deep and very relaxed state ... simply listening to my voice ... and drifting into a very, very pleasant state of mind ... a body that is free from all tension and tightness, free from stress and strain. As you listen to my voice guiding you into a total and complete state of relaxation (repetition) ... your mind, your body ... the muscular system, the nervous system ... lump, relaxed muscles ... and your breathing (suggestion) is the essence of deep, deep relaxation. Your entire body is becoming completely and totally relaxed, (suggestion) your head ... your face ... your neck ... shoulders ... back ... chest ... arms ... completely relaxed, very deeply relaxed, your mind and your body, relaxed, at ease, free from tension, tightness, stress and strain.
Feeling secure and at rest. Enjoying the sense of quietness and calmness. No pressure, no need to rush, no one to please, no one to satisfy. This is just your time to rest and enjoy (suggestion) a gentle peacefulness. Just letting go, quietly and gently, with nothing to bother you, and nothing to disturb you.
While you sit there quietly, you can notice your breathing (contingent suggestion), and at the same time you recognize you are moving deeper and deeper into relaxation. That's the way ...
As soon as your unconscious mind is ready to move deeper into trance, you can raise your right index finger. Good. You know, I once knew a woman (metaphor) who let her unconscious mind identify issues that had been bothering her. As she let her unconscious mind look into the solutions, that were already there inside her (embedded meaning/suggestion for internal search), she began to feel more and more at ease. And as you allow your own imagination to wander, peering into your own inside issues, your conscious mind may think about solutions, while your unconscious mind considers their implications; or perhaps your unconscious mind will generate some solutions, while your conscious mind wonders what the result might be (conscious-unconscious double bind).
And now, letting that comfort and calmness flow, out to every part of you. Bringing such a sense of peacefulness, and quiet, and calm, that any inner stresses can also relax. Allowing all the stress and strain to just fade into the background (suggestion), and become more and more distant, farther and farther away ...
And now I'm going to give you some quiet time, to continue experiencing a deep level of relaxation, enjoying it in your own way. (Allow about 90 seconds.)
Don't Try Too Hard - Part 1
DON'T TRY TOO HARD
This induction may be the hypnotic equivalent of the progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) technique. Subjects are not asked to tense and relax their muscles as in PMR; however, in this induction you directly suggest relaxation in successive parts of the body. More concrete, bodily-oriented individuals, as well as adolescents and children, may respond favorably to this induction, which is more authoritarian than the previous one. Notice that the suggestion for eye closure is rather firm and directive, not permissive and general like the previous induction, which allowed for either continued eye fixation or eye closure. Accordingly, you need to be prepared to pace the subject's response in case eye closure does not occur, for example, "... or your eyes may find it more comfortable to remain open as your body continues to become more relaxed with each deep breath ..."
Communicating or "dancing" with the subject requires that you periodically look up from the script and monitor the subject's response. With practice and experience, you will not have to rely on a prepared script, and monitoring, pacing, and leading will become much easier.
As these script are written to be read aloud (and to have a hypnotic effect), conventional rules for writing are not followed. Sentences that begin with "and," incomplete and run-on sentences, and even double or triple negatives are included purposely.
The concept of unconscious mind is seeded in pre-trance discussion. The therapist may tell the subject that the unconscious mind is like the big part of the icebery, largely unseen beneath the water, or perhaps the therapist wonders aloud, "I wonder how your unconscious mind will benefit from this experience today ..."
This induction may be the hypnotic equivalent of the progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) technique. Subjects are not asked to tense and relax their muscles as in PMR; however, in this induction you directly suggest relaxation in successive parts of the body. More concrete, bodily-oriented individuals, as well as adolescents and children, may respond favorably to this induction, which is more authoritarian than the previous one. Notice that the suggestion for eye closure is rather firm and directive, not permissive and general like the previous induction, which allowed for either continued eye fixation or eye closure. Accordingly, you need to be prepared to pace the subject's response in case eye closure does not occur, for example, "... or your eyes may find it more comfortable to remain open as your body continues to become more relaxed with each deep breath ..."
Communicating or "dancing" with the subject requires that you periodically look up from the script and monitor the subject's response. With practice and experience, you will not have to rely on a prepared script, and monitoring, pacing, and leading will become much easier.
As these script are written to be read aloud (and to have a hypnotic effect), conventional rules for writing are not followed. Sentences that begin with "and," incomplete and run-on sentences, and even double or triple negatives are included purposely.
The concept of unconscious mind is seeded in pre-trance discussion. The therapist may tell the subject that the unconscious mind is like the big part of the icebery, largely unseen beneath the water, or perhaps the therapist wonders aloud, "I wonder how your unconscious mind will benefit from this experience today ..."
Eye Fixation Hypnosis - Part 3
DEEPENING
Now, in a moment, (subject's name), I'm going to count backward, down from ten to one, and as those numbers go backward, down from ten to one, I'd like you to imagine, just imagine, yourself sinking a bit deeper and deeper into an even more comfortable and satisfying state of relaxation, as I begin to count now, ten, nine, ... (subject's name), when you are sufficiently deep in order to do the work you need to do today, you can let me know by nodding your head ... very good.
REALERTING
Following the therapy portion of trancework, the subject is realerted. We often say something like this in a voice that is higher in volume:
"In a moment I'm going to count from one up to five and by the time my voice gets up to three, or four, or five, you can then resume your normal waking state. One...Two..."
DEBRIEFING
Several minutes should be spent debriefing the subject, especially in the first few sessions of trancework. The subject may share important basic information, e.g., "You need to speak louder," or let you know that something you said was distracting. The overall goal for the first session is for the subject to feel comfortable. Whatever you can do or say to aid in the subject's comfort will facilitate the therapy process. This may be as simple as making the room darker or something more involved like choosing a different kind of induction. Asking for feedback provides the information you need to individualize and fine-tune your approach with a particular subject.
Another important aspect of debriefing involves eliciting and ratifying (reinforcing) trace phenomena. You may ask open-ended questions such as "How do you feel?" or "How does your body feel?" or, more specifically, "How does your left hand feel? And your right?" Time distortion is detected with a question such as "Without looking at the clock, what time would you guess it is right now?" Also, subjects are queried regarding the index feeling. If they report a feeling of relief, e.g., "My neck doesn't feel so tight," this also ratifies trance.
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
You may notice that the subject's name is mentioned frequently. Even in a deep level of trance (and, in fact, in the delta stage of sleep) people hear their name, so you are connecting with them in a strong and personal way. Repetition is also used for important suggestions. A general rule is: If it is important, repeat it, either the same way or in different ways, perhaps buttressing the idea with metaphor. You may notice that in the deepening the person is asked to imagine going deeper. In a more authoritarian induction subjects would be asked to do something in their mind, for example, walk down a staircase. It is difficult for a subject to resist simply imagining something.
In deepening, the subject is asked for a head nod to verify subjective depth. What if you receive no head nod? Maybe you did not wait long enough. Always give subjects at least a minute to respond. Sometimes when questioned during debriefing, they say, "Oh, I thought I did nod my head." At any rate, if you don't get a discernible response, just move on.
We make careful note of everything subjects tell us after being realerted, especially during the first few sessions. If they report a pleasant warmth in their chest, in the next session we may say, "I wonder when you will begin to notice that pleasant feeling beginning to develop in your chest ..." If they say something was negative or distracting, like a noise in the hall, next session we may say, "... and all the sounds you hear can be incorporated into the your experience as you notice yourself going deeper and deeper ... " In these ways, we utilize the subject's experience in the service of the therapy.
Now, in a moment, (subject's name), I'm going to count backward, down from ten to one, and as those numbers go backward, down from ten to one, I'd like you to imagine, just imagine, yourself sinking a bit deeper and deeper into an even more comfortable and satisfying state of relaxation, as I begin to count now, ten, nine, ... (subject's name), when you are sufficiently deep in order to do the work you need to do today, you can let me know by nodding your head ... very good.
REALERTING
Following the therapy portion of trancework, the subject is realerted. We often say something like this in a voice that is higher in volume:
"In a moment I'm going to count from one up to five and by the time my voice gets up to three, or four, or five, you can then resume your normal waking state. One...Two..."
DEBRIEFING
Several minutes should be spent debriefing the subject, especially in the first few sessions of trancework. The subject may share important basic information, e.g., "You need to speak louder," or let you know that something you said was distracting. The overall goal for the first session is for the subject to feel comfortable. Whatever you can do or say to aid in the subject's comfort will facilitate the therapy process. This may be as simple as making the room darker or something more involved like choosing a different kind of induction. Asking for feedback provides the information you need to individualize and fine-tune your approach with a particular subject.
Another important aspect of debriefing involves eliciting and ratifying (reinforcing) trace phenomena. You may ask open-ended questions such as "How do you feel?" or "How does your body feel?" or, more specifically, "How does your left hand feel? And your right?" Time distortion is detected with a question such as "Without looking at the clock, what time would you guess it is right now?" Also, subjects are queried regarding the index feeling. If they report a feeling of relief, e.g., "My neck doesn't feel so tight," this also ratifies trance.
NOTES FOR PRACTICE
You may notice that the subject's name is mentioned frequently. Even in a deep level of trance (and, in fact, in the delta stage of sleep) people hear their name, so you are connecting with them in a strong and personal way. Repetition is also used for important suggestions. A general rule is: If it is important, repeat it, either the same way or in different ways, perhaps buttressing the idea with metaphor. You may notice that in the deepening the person is asked to imagine going deeper. In a more authoritarian induction subjects would be asked to do something in their mind, for example, walk down a staircase. It is difficult for a subject to resist simply imagining something.
In deepening, the subject is asked for a head nod to verify subjective depth. What if you receive no head nod? Maybe you did not wait long enough. Always give subjects at least a minute to respond. Sometimes when questioned during debriefing, they say, "Oh, I thought I did nod my head." At any rate, if you don't get a discernible response, just move on.
We make careful note of everything subjects tell us after being realerted, especially during the first few sessions. If they report a pleasant warmth in their chest, in the next session we may say, "I wonder when you will begin to notice that pleasant feeling beginning to develop in your chest ..." If they say something was negative or distracting, like a noise in the hall, next session we may say, "... and all the sounds you hear can be incorporated into the your experience as you notice yourself going deeper and deeper ... " In these ways, we utilize the subject's experience in the service of the therapy.
Eye Fixation Hypnosis - Part 2
INDUCTION
With your eyes, I would like you to select a spot on the wall, or the ceiling, or anywhere you like, (permissive suggestion) and focus on that spot, and when you have done so, let me know by nodding your head...that's the way (pacing).
Now, as you're looking at that spot, (subject's name), you may begin to notice a fuzziness or haziness (suggestion covering all possibilities) in that spot out there. Some people find that that spot out there begins to change in shape, or size, or colour, maybe getting bigger, or smaller, or staying just the same (suggestion covering all possibilities), and you will find that your eyes have a tendency to blink, and (linking word) your eyes may gently close (permissive suggestion), all by themselves...or some people find that they are more comfortable continuing to look at that spot (permissive suggestion), which is just fine. Sometimes a kind of tunnel vision can develop when a person looks at any one spot for a length of time, and (linking word) a person can become especially absorbed in that spot way out there.
Perhaps you've already begun to notice your breathing, (subject's name), how your rate of breathing (implication) has started to change, maybe almost imperceptibly, and as you breathe in comfort and relaxation, you can begin (contingent suggestion repetition) to slow down (contingent suggestion repetition) you mind, and slow down (contingent suggestion repetition) you body with each comfortable breath in; and any nervousness or tension, you can blow that out each time you exhale (contingent suggestion repetition). That's the way..., absolutely nothing at all to do or know or change or even think about (not knowing/not doing), and it can be very comforting to know that all you really have to do is just sit there and breathe, always being in the driver's seat (metaphor), ever so gradually beginning to slow down (repetition) both your mind and your body.
Everyone, (subject's name), has experienced relaxation (truism), perhaps the warm sun on your skin on a cold (apposition of opposites) day...or a refreshing breeze blowing against your face on a hot day...or other times like driving a car, or listening to pleasant music, or something else (naturalistic trance experiences) that comes to mind...where you become more and more absorbed in a satisfying experience, where time might seem to speed up, or slow down (apposition of opposites), when a minute can seem like an hour, or an hour like a minute, or maybe it's simply a matter of losing track of time (bind of comparable alternatives).
Now, (subject's name), getting up this morning, coming over here today like you did, (sunny/cloudy, warm) day that it is outside, waiting for a while in the waiting room, then walking down that hall and coming in here, and sitting down there (truism), I know that you can begin to experience a very enjoyable sense of relaxation (suggestion). I can't know if, with the front part of your mind, you wondered about going lightly and swiftly into a moderate state of relaxation, or instead, with the back part of your mind (conscious/unconscious double bind), you imagined going more slowly and profoundly into a deeper state of trance, which can be like an entrance into another state (pun/embedded meaning), but it really doesn't matter because whatever happens is okay, as the experience is yours and yours alone, private and internal, something for you to enjoy and appreciate.
Now (subject's name), while I'm talking to you today, you will hear an occasional pause...or silence (seeding) ...times when there are no words, and those can be times to let your experience deepen...a pause...or a silence (seeding 'activated') ...and you may hear every word I say, or the words might drift in, and drift out. At the same time, you will begin to notice feelings that invariably happen in your body...perhaps a tingling or numbness in one hand, or both hands, or maybe a coolness or warmth, or heaviness or lightness, or some other curious feeling (suggestion covering all possibilities). These feelings or sensations usually happen in a person's extremities, but they may occur somewhere else in your body, effortlessly, all by themselves, without any conscious attempt on your part (involuntariness), or simply as a part of letting go just a bit at a time. One person (metaphor) one time said (s)he could detect a definite heaviness in (her) his feet and (s)he could hardly move those (dissociation) feet, almost like (s)he was wearing very heavy Western boots. Another person (metaphor) commented that (her) his hands felt detached (dissociation) from the rest of (her) him while at the same time (s)he was very aware of (her) his toes as (s)he curled them up inside (her) his shoes. One (wo)men (metaphor) reported that (s)he noticed an interesting prickliness in (her) his scalp, along with dryness in (her) his mouth. I remember one person (metaphor) who was intrigued by an itchiness in (her) his right ear lobe, strange as that might seem. Whatever feelings you begin to notice, they are your experience, and yours alone, all part of becoming more and more deeply and comfortably relaxed (repetition) ...(pause) (seeding 'activated') ...Noticing those feelings, you can begin to appreciate, really appreciate and enjoy, both your body and your mind slowing down, deeper and deeper, into a very comfortable state of relaxation (repeition) ...(pause)(seeding 'activated')...
Many people find it interesting, maybe even curious (hypnotic language), how they can pay attention to what's going on inside - feelings, thoughts, and sensations - and also focus on what's going on outside at the same time. On the outside - the feeling of the chair beneath you, those (dissociation) hands out there, and the word - after all it's your ears I'm speaking to (dissociation) ... at the same time it's also common, to have part of you noticing the process (hidden observer) , noticing you going into trance, just wondering about it all. We call this "the hidden observer," and it's rather interesting how all these things can be going on at the same time, and all the while you can be in the driver's seat (metaphor). One person one time called this controlling letting go, while another called it letting go of control (bind of comparable alternatives), and I still get confused by the two of them.
Everybody's mind has a front part and a back part, the front part that pays attention to your breathing, and the words, and the feelings developing in your body; and the back of the mind, the part that is like the big part of an iceberg (unconscious process) ...you don't see it, but you know it's there, underneath the water, watchful, waiting, cautious, private...deep inside...inside there where you have your imagination, and itutition, the part of your mind that can help you now when you need it the most...
That's the way, (subject's name), breathing comfortably, more and more deeply relaxed, nothing consciously to do or know or think about (not knowing/not doing), letting it happen all by itself.
Now (subject's name), before starting out down the road, it can be very comfortable to open the door, and then sit there behind the wheel, being the one who drives (metaphor)...Once out on the road, a person speeds up, and then slows down (apposition of opposites). Speeding up, and other times slowing down (suggestion). More and more deeply and comfortably relaxed, breathing in, and breathing out.
With your eyes, I would like you to select a spot on the wall, or the ceiling, or anywhere you like, (permissive suggestion) and focus on that spot, and when you have done so, let me know by nodding your head...that's the way (pacing).
Now, as you're looking at that spot, (subject's name), you may begin to notice a fuzziness or haziness (suggestion covering all possibilities) in that spot out there. Some people find that that spot out there begins to change in shape, or size, or colour, maybe getting bigger, or smaller, or staying just the same (suggestion covering all possibilities), and you will find that your eyes have a tendency to blink, and (linking word) your eyes may gently close (permissive suggestion), all by themselves...or some people find that they are more comfortable continuing to look at that spot (permissive suggestion), which is just fine. Sometimes a kind of tunnel vision can develop when a person looks at any one spot for a length of time, and (linking word) a person can become especially absorbed in that spot way out there.
Perhaps you've already begun to notice your breathing, (subject's name), how your rate of breathing (implication) has started to change, maybe almost imperceptibly, and as you breathe in comfort and relaxation, you can begin (contingent suggestion repetition) to slow down (contingent suggestion repetition) you mind, and slow down (contingent suggestion repetition) you body with each comfortable breath in; and any nervousness or tension, you can blow that out each time you exhale (contingent suggestion repetition). That's the way..., absolutely nothing at all to do or know or change or even think about (not knowing/not doing), and it can be very comforting to know that all you really have to do is just sit there and breathe, always being in the driver's seat (metaphor), ever so gradually beginning to slow down (repetition) both your mind and your body.
Everyone, (subject's name), has experienced relaxation (truism), perhaps the warm sun on your skin on a cold (apposition of opposites) day...or a refreshing breeze blowing against your face on a hot day...or other times like driving a car, or listening to pleasant music, or something else (naturalistic trance experiences) that comes to mind...where you become more and more absorbed in a satisfying experience, where time might seem to speed up, or slow down (apposition of opposites), when a minute can seem like an hour, or an hour like a minute, or maybe it's simply a matter of losing track of time (bind of comparable alternatives).
Now, (subject's name), getting up this morning, coming over here today like you did, (sunny/cloudy, warm) day that it is outside, waiting for a while in the waiting room, then walking down that hall and coming in here, and sitting down there (truism), I know that you can begin to experience a very enjoyable sense of relaxation (suggestion). I can't know if, with the front part of your mind, you wondered about going lightly and swiftly into a moderate state of relaxation, or instead, with the back part of your mind (conscious/unconscious double bind), you imagined going more slowly and profoundly into a deeper state of trance, which can be like an entrance into another state (pun/embedded meaning), but it really doesn't matter because whatever happens is okay, as the experience is yours and yours alone, private and internal, something for you to enjoy and appreciate.
Now (subject's name), while I'm talking to you today, you will hear an occasional pause...or silence (seeding) ...times when there are no words, and those can be times to let your experience deepen...a pause...or a silence (seeding 'activated') ...and you may hear every word I say, or the words might drift in, and drift out. At the same time, you will begin to notice feelings that invariably happen in your body...perhaps a tingling or numbness in one hand, or both hands, or maybe a coolness or warmth, or heaviness or lightness, or some other curious feeling (suggestion covering all possibilities). These feelings or sensations usually happen in a person's extremities, but they may occur somewhere else in your body, effortlessly, all by themselves, without any conscious attempt on your part (involuntariness), or simply as a part of letting go just a bit at a time. One person (metaphor) one time said (s)he could detect a definite heaviness in (her) his feet and (s)he could hardly move those (dissociation) feet, almost like (s)he was wearing very heavy Western boots. Another person (metaphor) commented that (her) his hands felt detached (dissociation) from the rest of (her) him while at the same time (s)he was very aware of (her) his toes as (s)he curled them up inside (her) his shoes. One (wo)men (metaphor) reported that (s)he noticed an interesting prickliness in (her) his scalp, along with dryness in (her) his mouth. I remember one person (metaphor) who was intrigued by an itchiness in (her) his right ear lobe, strange as that might seem. Whatever feelings you begin to notice, they are your experience, and yours alone, all part of becoming more and more deeply and comfortably relaxed (repetition) ...(pause) (seeding 'activated') ...Noticing those feelings, you can begin to appreciate, really appreciate and enjoy, both your body and your mind slowing down, deeper and deeper, into a very comfortable state of relaxation (repeition) ...(pause)(seeding 'activated')...
Many people find it interesting, maybe even curious (hypnotic language), how they can pay attention to what's going on inside - feelings, thoughts, and sensations - and also focus on what's going on outside at the same time. On the outside - the feeling of the chair beneath you, those (dissociation) hands out there, and the word - after all it's your ears I'm speaking to (dissociation) ... at the same time it's also common, to have part of you noticing the process (hidden observer) , noticing you going into trance, just wondering about it all. We call this "the hidden observer," and it's rather interesting how all these things can be going on at the same time, and all the while you can be in the driver's seat (metaphor). One person one time called this controlling letting go, while another called it letting go of control (bind of comparable alternatives), and I still get confused by the two of them.
Everybody's mind has a front part and a back part, the front part that pays attention to your breathing, and the words, and the feelings developing in your body; and the back of the mind, the part that is like the big part of an iceberg (unconscious process) ...you don't see it, but you know it's there, underneath the water, watchful, waiting, cautious, private...deep inside...inside there where you have your imagination, and itutition, the part of your mind that can help you now when you need it the most...
That's the way, (subject's name), breathing comfortably, more and more deeply relaxed, nothing consciously to do or know or think about (not knowing/not doing), letting it happen all by itself.
Now (subject's name), before starting out down the road, it can be very comfortable to open the door, and then sit there behind the wheel, being the one who drives (metaphor)...Once out on the road, a person speeds up, and then slows down (apposition of opposites). Speeding up, and other times slowing down (suggestion). More and more deeply and comfortably relaxed, breathing in, and breathing out.
Eye Fixation Hypnosis - Part 1
We refer to the person undergoing the hypnosis as the "subject" in this blog.
For all the inductions, subjects are asked to choose a comfortable place and settle into a comfortable position. They are told that, at any time, they can move around, adjust their position, speak aloud, or do anything else that will allow their comfort to deepen. They are asked to do a mental scan of their body in order to locate any discomfort. If they report tension in their neck, for example, the therapist makes note of this index feeling.
EYE FIXATION
We devised this induction for a research protocol involving hypnosis and chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many subjects with PTSD do not wish to close their eyes. Accordingly, this induction allows for either eye fixation or eye closure. We eventually adopted this induction as an all-purpose one for many subjects. Notice that the induction contains many suggestions for feelings in the body. The greater the subject's experience of trance - especially ideosensory feeling, time distortion, and dissociation - the more they will beleive in it (Hammond, 1994). It is important to ratify these phenomena at the end of the session, especially the first time.
For all the inductions, subjects are asked to choose a comfortable place and settle into a comfortable position. They are told that, at any time, they can move around, adjust their position, speak aloud, or do anything else that will allow their comfort to deepen. They are asked to do a mental scan of their body in order to locate any discomfort. If they report tension in their neck, for example, the therapist makes note of this index feeling.
EYE FIXATION
We devised this induction for a research protocol involving hypnosis and chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many subjects with PTSD do not wish to close their eyes. Accordingly, this induction allows for either eye fixation or eye closure. We eventually adopted this induction as an all-purpose one for many subjects. Notice that the induction contains many suggestions for feelings in the body. The greater the subject's experience of trance - especially ideosensory feeling, time distortion, and dissociation - the more they will beleive in it (Hammond, 1994). It is important to ratify these phenomena at the end of the session, especially the first time.
Monday, September 8, 2008
The Swiftest Gazelle
Evolution is normally slow. Our Neolithic ancestor who hauled the stones to make Stonehenge over 4500 years ago was genetically almost the same as modern man. The world, however, is now very different from the one in which he laboured.
Evolution is also paradoxically selfish. Although survival or reproduction of the fittest benefits the group to which it belongs, the individual's concern is for the individual's concern is for the individual. The best way to ensure the group's survival is to make sure each individual survives. When a gazelle runs away from a lion, it tries to outrun the lion, of course, but it also seeks to outrun other gazelles. The lion gets the sick, the weak and the slowest runners. The fittest gazelles survive and the group prospers, but this is small consolation to the gazelle that ends its life as the lion's dinner. The survival of the fittest and the genetic prosperity of the group are the result of everyone looking after their own interests. Humans sometimes work against survival of the fittest - we go back and rescue the sick and the weak who are threatened.
According to the laws of evolution, our main objectives as men and women is to ensure that our own genes are passed on. One primitive male strategy based on quantity - a million sperm per ejaculation means that men can father many children. To control his mates and keep them away from other males, he needs to dominate territory. The stronger the man, the better his pick of the women. A female strategy is based on quality - to care well for the relatively few children she can have. In order to provide shelter for her children, the female needed the male around. She evolved a sense of relationship that the male had less evolutionary pressure to match.
So, on a purely genetic level, the male needs territory, possession, the certainty of fatherhood and the knowledge that his children will be well cared for. The female needs strong survival genes for the children, shelter and protection. These drives are still alive and well in us. They still influence whom who choose to mate with and we need to acknowledge them, while realizing they are not the whole story.
Evolution is also paradoxically selfish. Although survival or reproduction of the fittest benefits the group to which it belongs, the individual's concern is for the individual's concern is for the individual. The best way to ensure the group's survival is to make sure each individual survives. When a gazelle runs away from a lion, it tries to outrun the lion, of course, but it also seeks to outrun other gazelles. The lion gets the sick, the weak and the slowest runners. The fittest gazelles survive and the group prospers, but this is small consolation to the gazelle that ends its life as the lion's dinner. The survival of the fittest and the genetic prosperity of the group are the result of everyone looking after their own interests. Humans sometimes work against survival of the fittest - we go back and rescue the sick and the weak who are threatened.
According to the laws of evolution, our main objectives as men and women is to ensure that our own genes are passed on. One primitive male strategy based on quantity - a million sperm per ejaculation means that men can father many children. To control his mates and keep them away from other males, he needs to dominate territory. The stronger the man, the better his pick of the women. A female strategy is based on quality - to care well for the relatively few children she can have. In order to provide shelter for her children, the female needed the male around. She evolved a sense of relationship that the male had less evolutionary pressure to match.
So, on a purely genetic level, the male needs territory, possession, the certainty of fatherhood and the knowledge that his children will be well cared for. The female needs strong survival genes for the children, shelter and protection. These drives are still alive and well in us. They still influence whom who choose to mate with and we need to acknowledge them, while realizing they are not the whole story.
The Survival Of The Most Fitting
The genetic voice usually gives the initial impetus in forming sexual relationships. It is part of the instinctual knowledge we are born with in order to survive. Babies know how to suck the breast, cry for help and scream when they are soiled. They naturally stimulate their parents' loving and caring instincts, even when the parents are stumbling around the house like zombies from lack of sleep. Babies know how to smile when only a few weeks old to trigger love in a mother fatigued by constant caring. This parental loving and caring is also part of our instinct to a greater or lesser degree. I remember looking into the eyes of my newly born daughter and seeing into the centre of the world, deep and still. It was like seeing into human nature before society had changed it. I was enchanted. It was like looking into a very clear pool, yet not seeing the bottom. Our instincts go high as well as deep.
Most of the time these genetic instincts are unconscious. They are effortless. Sometimes it takes effort to deny them. Yet they come with being born.
Our genetic knowledge has evolved with us. Genes are the tools of evolution. They are the units of inheritance, millions and millions on every chromosome, 46 chromosomes in every cell in our body. They are the hard-wired, bred in the bone instructions passed from one generation to the next, telling them what sort of offspring to produce. They influence everything - size, colouring, strength, resistance to disease, reproductive capabilities and intellect.
The passing on of genes was understood long before the word itself had been invented. Friends and relatives have argued for generations about the physical characteristics inherited by babies. They have looked at a scrunched up bawling bundle of humanity and noticed similarities between its bud of a nose and that of its 90-year-old great-grandmother.
I was on holiday with my family in Boulder, Colorado, many years ago. Our daughter Lara was about two-and-a-half years old. We were walking downtown where there were many pavement artists and Lara wanted to have her portrait drawn. She picked an artist who did caricatures. He drew her eating a hamburger. It only took a few minutes. He stepped back and showed me the picture. Lara was delighted. I looked at the picture. There, staring out from the paper, was my mother-in-law! The resemblance was uncanny. All the artist had done was accentuate a feature here, bring out a certain look and the family resemblance was striking. I still have the portrait.
Genetic messages that work positively and are compatible with the environment survive, or, more accurately, they increase the chance of survival for the person who has them. Those that do not work decrease the chance of survival of those who carry them; they slowly diminish from one generation to the next until they are gone.
As environments change, so different genes acquire survival value. Darwin called this process 'survival of the fittest', although it may be more easily understood as the survival of the 'most fitting' - those who are most suited to the environment they inhabit. Being the biggest, fastest or strongest does not always make you the fittest, as the dinosaurs found out. Nor are genes simple carriers, one per feature. They work together, just as evolution is more like co-evolution of species balancing and needing each other to survive in the dance of life.
Most of the time these genetic instincts are unconscious. They are effortless. Sometimes it takes effort to deny them. Yet they come with being born.
Our genetic knowledge has evolved with us. Genes are the tools of evolution. They are the units of inheritance, millions and millions on every chromosome, 46 chromosomes in every cell in our body. They are the hard-wired, bred in the bone instructions passed from one generation to the next, telling them what sort of offspring to produce. They influence everything - size, colouring, strength, resistance to disease, reproductive capabilities and intellect.
The passing on of genes was understood long before the word itself had been invented. Friends and relatives have argued for generations about the physical characteristics inherited by babies. They have looked at a scrunched up bawling bundle of humanity and noticed similarities between its bud of a nose and that of its 90-year-old great-grandmother.
I was on holiday with my family in Boulder, Colorado, many years ago. Our daughter Lara was about two-and-a-half years old. We were walking downtown where there were many pavement artists and Lara wanted to have her portrait drawn. She picked an artist who did caricatures. He drew her eating a hamburger. It only took a few minutes. He stepped back and showed me the picture. Lara was delighted. I looked at the picture. There, staring out from the paper, was my mother-in-law! The resemblance was uncanny. All the artist had done was accentuate a feature here, bring out a certain look and the family resemblance was striking. I still have the portrait.
Genetic messages that work positively and are compatible with the environment survive, or, more accurately, they increase the chance of survival for the person who has them. Those that do not work decrease the chance of survival of those who carry them; they slowly diminish from one generation to the next until they are gone.
As environments change, so different genes acquire survival value. Darwin called this process 'survival of the fittest', although it may be more easily understood as the survival of the 'most fitting' - those who are most suited to the environment they inhabit. Being the biggest, fastest or strongest does not always make you the fittest, as the dinosaurs found out. Nor are genes simple carriers, one per feature. They work together, just as evolution is more like co-evolution of species balancing and needing each other to survive in the dance of life.
Relationships Good And Bad
I remember that during the First World War, my grandfather was in charge of a horse-drawn wagon to carry ammunition from the arsenal to where it was needed on the front line. He was only 16 and too young to fight, although he was old enough to be killed. One day he was sitting with his wagon, which was being loaded with ammunition to take to the troops at the height of the battle. Amid all the torrent of noise, the smoke and stench of warfare, his normally obedient horse reared up and bolted, taking him and the wagon with it. Seconds later a German shell exploded where my grandfather and his psychic horse had been waiting a moment before.
My grandfather maintained until the day he died of old age that the horse heard the shell coming through the air, singled it out from all the other shells exploding and took evasive action. Whether the horse heard the shell or not, its bolting saved my grandfather and, by today's count, 37 descendants.
One of his lineage is obviously me, a man with a great affection for horses that bolt. And I have three daughters. Each one began because one sperm out of 280 million fertilized a particular egg. Had another sperm been a better swimmer than the one that won the race, my daughters would be different. My two younger daughters only exist because I stumbled over my wife-to-be's suitcase in the lobby of a hotel. Had I not turned without thinking or had she not put her suitcase where she had, we would never have spoken. If you examine the unlikely sequence of events that led to you being who you are, where you are, reading this blog, it makes winning such an elusive prize and then not using it? Being born is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And probably the most important influence one the quality of your life is the relationships that you form.
So, what influence do relationships have on your life? What is the point in putting effort into making them work? To find out, try this thought experiment.
Think of two relationships in particular, one good and one not so good. If you do not have an example of one or both of these, then make them up for the sake of the exercise.
First, take the relationship that was not so good. Remember that and mentally put yourself back with that person.
Close your eyes, imagine being back with that person. Do not see yourself in the picture, but see them as if through your own eyes, as if you were back there now.
Picture them as clearly as you can. See their complexion, the colour of their eyes and hair. Picture the places you used to meet.
Now hear their voice and the sort of conversations that you had and hear any associated sounds. Then, listen to your internal voice. Is it saying anything?
Now notice what feelings you have and where those feelings are located in your body.
Are they light or heavy?
Does your energy level rise or fall?
Is your breathing affected?
Now, carry forward these sounds, pictures and feelings, and, in the frame of mind that you have just created, think about the future and what life could be like for you.
Now, take a deep breath and shake off that frame of mind. Get rid of the pictures, sounds and feelings.
Now, repeat the process, putting yourself this time into the better relationship. Imagine being with that person.
See them in your mind's eye as if you were back with them.
Remember what you saw, what you heard and anything your internal voice said, and notice how you feel.
Re-create the scenes, recall the sort of conversations you had.
Be inside yourself experiencing this memory.
Build up this experience until the memory becomes as lifelike as you can make it.
How does this positive experience influence your frame of mind for the future?
This simple exercise will show you the influence positive relationships can have on the way you are and how the future can be. A poor relationship clouds the future; a good one illuminates it. A poor relationship saps your energy and a good one gives you energy. A relationship is a major influence on your whole emotional state and this state of mind influences how you see the world, your levels of enthusiasms and what you believe to be possible.
My grandfather maintained until the day he died of old age that the horse heard the shell coming through the air, singled it out from all the other shells exploding and took evasive action. Whether the horse heard the shell or not, its bolting saved my grandfather and, by today's count, 37 descendants.
One of his lineage is obviously me, a man with a great affection for horses that bolt. And I have three daughters. Each one began because one sperm out of 280 million fertilized a particular egg. Had another sperm been a better swimmer than the one that won the race, my daughters would be different. My two younger daughters only exist because I stumbled over my wife-to-be's suitcase in the lobby of a hotel. Had I not turned without thinking or had she not put her suitcase where she had, we would never have spoken. If you examine the unlikely sequence of events that led to you being who you are, where you are, reading this blog, it makes winning such an elusive prize and then not using it? Being born is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And probably the most important influence one the quality of your life is the relationships that you form.
So, what influence do relationships have on your life? What is the point in putting effort into making them work? To find out, try this thought experiment.
Think of two relationships in particular, one good and one not so good. If you do not have an example of one or both of these, then make them up for the sake of the exercise.
First, take the relationship that was not so good. Remember that and mentally put yourself back with that person.
Close your eyes, imagine being back with that person. Do not see yourself in the picture, but see them as if through your own eyes, as if you were back there now.
Picture them as clearly as you can. See their complexion, the colour of their eyes and hair. Picture the places you used to meet.
Now hear their voice and the sort of conversations that you had and hear any associated sounds. Then, listen to your internal voice. Is it saying anything?
Now notice what feelings you have and where those feelings are located in your body.
Are they light or heavy?
Does your energy level rise or fall?
Is your breathing affected?
Now, carry forward these sounds, pictures and feelings, and, in the frame of mind that you have just created, think about the future and what life could be like for you.
Now, take a deep breath and shake off that frame of mind. Get rid of the pictures, sounds and feelings.
Now, repeat the process, putting yourself this time into the better relationship. Imagine being with that person.
See them in your mind's eye as if you were back with them.
Remember what you saw, what you heard and anything your internal voice said, and notice how you feel.
Re-create the scenes, recall the sort of conversations you had.
Be inside yourself experiencing this memory.
Build up this experience until the memory becomes as lifelike as you can make it.
How does this positive experience influence your frame of mind for the future?
This simple exercise will show you the influence positive relationships can have on the way you are and how the future can be. A poor relationship clouds the future; a good one illuminates it. A poor relationship saps your energy and a good one gives you energy. A relationship is a major influence on your whole emotional state and this state of mind influences how you see the world, your levels of enthusiasms and what you believe to be possible.
NLP: The Three Voices
Our genetically driven instinctive voice is a joy. It makes us feel alive. It fills us with passion and gives us with passion and gives us pleasure. It turns our head when someone beautiful walks into the room. It tickles our ears when we hear an attractive voice of the opposite sex. It gives joy in the arms of our lovers.
Secondly, there is the voice of civilization, the social voice. It comes from the society and culture that we live in. This voice conditions us to live in our society. While the message is from society as a whole, the main messengers are our parents. They also add all sorts of other messages of their own, like a cultural game of Chinese whispers.
The conditioning voice can drown out many others. It affects our beliefs, values, thoughts and actions. Part of the work of becoming mature is to go beyond the limiting messages and influences of first our parents, then our society, then our culture, to a place where we can feel at home in the world, not just in our neighbourhood.
Thirdly, there is the voice of our intellect. Calm and steady on its own, it tells us what makes sense.
Both men and women have these three voices. They may have a different balance or sequence for each of us. They may whisper slightly different messages in different tones.
The first challenge of forming satisfying relationships is to accommodate the energy of the genetic voice. It is deeper than the social, sometimes manifests violently and can be disruptive. The second challenge is to find a place for the social voice so that it does not deaden the joy and energy of the genetic voice. The third challenge is to accommodate the intellect, because we have a life outside of our close relationships as well. Ultimately, we hope to achieve a state of passion tempered by society and guided by reason.
The key to a successful relationship is knowing your own three voices, your partner's voices, and working together to make all six sing in harmony.
So, do good relationships mean an uneasy compromise between nature and nurture? Not necessarily. Not unless the instinctive voice is the only one that you pay attention to. Our genes are only one influence on how we relate to others. Genetic differences will only inhibit how we are with each other if we want them to do so. In the way that a knife can be used to carve fine furniture or to stab someone, our genetic drives may be used to bring shared pleasure or to keep ourselves apart.
Why are we looking at relationships using these three voices and not just taking relationships as a whole? It is because putting a subject into a larger context and then examining its component parts allows us greater knowledge. With that knowledge we can see how the parts combine to make a harmonious relationship. Then we can understand ourselves and others better. With greater understanding, we can make our relationships more satisfying.
If we look at tennis, for example, in the broader context of competitive sport we can better understand the motivation, attraction and the role that it fulfills. We can then look at the different players, styles and roles involved to understand how the details build up to the whole.
So, if we then look at the different complementary parts that make a relationship work (or not), we can then gain a better understanding of how the whole can be improved. We can identify which of these component parts provides the strengths and weaknesses of being together.
Understanding our own three voices will also help us understand ourselves as a whole. The genetic voice is not the villain of the piece, unless we let it be so. If we harness our genetic drives to build the relationship that we and our partner want, they will hold us together, stop either party straying and build a bond that will enable us both to grow and have the life we want. Being in relationships that work is not rocket science - it is far more important than rocket science.
Secondly, there is the voice of civilization, the social voice. It comes from the society and culture that we live in. This voice conditions us to live in our society. While the message is from society as a whole, the main messengers are our parents. They also add all sorts of other messages of their own, like a cultural game of Chinese whispers.
The conditioning voice can drown out many others. It affects our beliefs, values, thoughts and actions. Part of the work of becoming mature is to go beyond the limiting messages and influences of first our parents, then our society, then our culture, to a place where we can feel at home in the world, not just in our neighbourhood.
Thirdly, there is the voice of our intellect. Calm and steady on its own, it tells us what makes sense.
Both men and women have these three voices. They may have a different balance or sequence for each of us. They may whisper slightly different messages in different tones.
The first challenge of forming satisfying relationships is to accommodate the energy of the genetic voice. It is deeper than the social, sometimes manifests violently and can be disruptive. The second challenge is to find a place for the social voice so that it does not deaden the joy and energy of the genetic voice. The third challenge is to accommodate the intellect, because we have a life outside of our close relationships as well. Ultimately, we hope to achieve a state of passion tempered by society and guided by reason.
The key to a successful relationship is knowing your own three voices, your partner's voices, and working together to make all six sing in harmony.
So, do good relationships mean an uneasy compromise between nature and nurture? Not necessarily. Not unless the instinctive voice is the only one that you pay attention to. Our genes are only one influence on how we relate to others. Genetic differences will only inhibit how we are with each other if we want them to do so. In the way that a knife can be used to carve fine furniture or to stab someone, our genetic drives may be used to bring shared pleasure or to keep ourselves apart.
Why are we looking at relationships using these three voices and not just taking relationships as a whole? It is because putting a subject into a larger context and then examining its component parts allows us greater knowledge. With that knowledge we can see how the parts combine to make a harmonious relationship. Then we can understand ourselves and others better. With greater understanding, we can make our relationships more satisfying.
If we look at tennis, for example, in the broader context of competitive sport we can better understand the motivation, attraction and the role that it fulfills. We can then look at the different players, styles and roles involved to understand how the details build up to the whole.
So, if we then look at the different complementary parts that make a relationship work (or not), we can then gain a better understanding of how the whole can be improved. We can identify which of these component parts provides the strengths and weaknesses of being together.
Understanding our own three voices will also help us understand ourselves as a whole. The genetic voice is not the villain of the piece, unless we let it be so. If we harness our genetic drives to build the relationship that we and our partner want, they will hold us together, stop either party straying and build a bond that will enable us both to grow and have the life we want. Being in relationships that work is not rocket science - it is far more important than rocket science.
NLP and Our Instinctive Voice - Part 3
HARD WIRING
With all of the excellent and illuminating work currently bring carried out on genetics, we are now more aware of the influence our 'hard wiring' has on our behaviour. We are now able to view obesity, disease, violence, sexual orientation and other variations from the popular 'norm' as being something that individuals may carry in their bodies. Genetics can help society take a different, and hopefully more fruitful, approach to many social problems. It is the study of genetics that has given us permission to say men and women are different.
However, the danger with the study of genetics is that it provides an easy excuse and justification for behaviour we know to be anti-social. Men commit 82 percent of recorded crime in the United Kingdom. This fact is common knowledge throughout the police force and is instrumental in the planning of prisons. Men commit an even higher percentage of violent crime. These figures have changed little over the last 30 years and are replicated in most other parts of the world. It is true that social conditioning plays a big part in this imbalance of criminal behaviour between men and women. However, the evidence and the research suggest that there is a genetic basis to much of this anti-social behaviour.
What then? Do we then throw up our hands in defeat and say, 'Well that's the way men are, so let them get on with it.' That would be absurd. Many people, however, are throwing up their hands and saying, 'This is how I am meant to be and there's nothing I can do about it,' when it is obvious that what they are doing suits only themselves. If you want your relationships to flounder, then just blame your faults on you masculine or feminine genes. (And blame other people's faults on their gender too.)
Civilization might be seen as the process and the result of channelling and controlling those instinctual drives for the greater good - the greater good being the survival and happiness of everyone, because ultimately we are social, we cannot live without others. So, even though we still carry this 'hard wiring', there is no excuse for letting the monkey within us keep us in the jungle. And if men and women are 'hard wired' differently, this is wonderful. 'Differently' does not mean better or worse, superior or inferior. When men and women come together in a satisfying relationship, this is a celebration of difference. Let us enjoy the different. Let us build the team for the future, making the most of our genetic inheritance.
With all of the excellent and illuminating work currently bring carried out on genetics, we are now more aware of the influence our 'hard wiring' has on our behaviour. We are now able to view obesity, disease, violence, sexual orientation and other variations from the popular 'norm' as being something that individuals may carry in their bodies. Genetics can help society take a different, and hopefully more fruitful, approach to many social problems. It is the study of genetics that has given us permission to say men and women are different.
However, the danger with the study of genetics is that it provides an easy excuse and justification for behaviour we know to be anti-social. Men commit 82 percent of recorded crime in the United Kingdom. This fact is common knowledge throughout the police force and is instrumental in the planning of prisons. Men commit an even higher percentage of violent crime. These figures have changed little over the last 30 years and are replicated in most other parts of the world. It is true that social conditioning plays a big part in this imbalance of criminal behaviour between men and women. However, the evidence and the research suggest that there is a genetic basis to much of this anti-social behaviour.
What then? Do we then throw up our hands in defeat and say, 'Well that's the way men are, so let them get on with it.' That would be absurd. Many people, however, are throwing up their hands and saying, 'This is how I am meant to be and there's nothing I can do about it,' when it is obvious that what they are doing suits only themselves. If you want your relationships to flounder, then just blame your faults on you masculine or feminine genes. (And blame other people's faults on their gender too.)
Civilization might be seen as the process and the result of channelling and controlling those instinctual drives for the greater good - the greater good being the survival and happiness of everyone, because ultimately we are social, we cannot live without others. So, even though we still carry this 'hard wiring', there is no excuse for letting the monkey within us keep us in the jungle. And if men and women are 'hard wired' differently, this is wonderful. 'Differently' does not mean better or worse, superior or inferior. When men and women come together in a satisfying relationship, this is a celebration of difference. Let us enjoy the different. Let us build the team for the future, making the most of our genetic inheritance.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
NLP and Our Instinctive Voice - Part 2
PRIMITIVE MAN
It is worth seeing how our history still influences our behaviour in close relationships. In a primitive Stone Age world, it was more practical for men and women to specialize in various skills and attitudes. There was no point in duplicating effort - the world was a dangerous place, food was not a right, or even guaranteed, and getting lost didn't mean having to buy a map, but risking being killed by animals or your human enemies.
Now the world is very different. Ironically, many of the aspects that made men and women specialists are now working against us, making it harder, not easier to build relationships that meet our needs now and in the future. Survival is now easy. Infant mortality is a small fraction of what it was. Life is a right; now we are only concerned with its quality. We want more, different challenges and other means of satisfaction. To achieve this we need relationships that are not standing knee deep in the mud of primitive demands. Yet in some ways we still wear our Stone Age furs under our smart twentieth-century clothes. They itch, especially in the company of the opposite sex. Somehow we have to deal with the feelings shaped by thousands of years of evolution in one short lifetime.
It is worth seeing how our history still influences our behaviour in close relationships. In a primitive Stone Age world, it was more practical for men and women to specialize in various skills and attitudes. There was no point in duplicating effort - the world was a dangerous place, food was not a right, or even guaranteed, and getting lost didn't mean having to buy a map, but risking being killed by animals or your human enemies.
Now the world is very different. Ironically, many of the aspects that made men and women specialists are now working against us, making it harder, not easier to build relationships that meet our needs now and in the future. Survival is now easy. Infant mortality is a small fraction of what it was. Life is a right; now we are only concerned with its quality. We want more, different challenges and other means of satisfaction. To achieve this we need relationships that are not standing knee deep in the mud of primitive demands. Yet in some ways we still wear our Stone Age furs under our smart twentieth-century clothes. They itch, especially in the company of the opposite sex. Somehow we have to deal with the feelings shaped by thousands of years of evolution in one short lifetime.
NLP and Our Instinctive Voice - Part 1
WOMEN DANCE BACKWARDS
Robin sat in a bar recently pretending to read a newspaper and listened to a group of well dressed, well spoken, apparently well educated men sorting out the world. It took them about 10 minutes to find a solution to their company's woes, another five minutes to vent their frustration at being too junior to put their plans into action and another 20 minutes to develop a strategy to fix the world's economic difficulties. Then they started talking about women. That topic took a bit longer. This long deliberation was due, according to them, to female inconsistency rather than their own inability to empathize and understand.
Although they had had a few drinks and the clarity of their conversation declined every round, they were certain there was not a man alive who could understand how a woman's mind worked. And there was not a woman who would ever be able to understand a man. Following another half hour of heated debate which degenerated into a critical assessment of all females, one very demonstrative man waved his hands about and said, as though he had stumbled upon the ultimate truth, 'And do you know the worst thing about women? Well, I'll tell you what the worst thing about women is. I've heard them talking at their coffee mornings. Whenever they get together all they do is bitch about men.'
It is obvious that men and women are different. That has been openly acknowledged since we hunted with spears, apart from a couple of decades this century when in our efforts to acknowledge men and women as equal we have forgotten that people can be different and equal as well. The works of Shakespeare and other great writers show how differently men and women respond to situations. The way laws have been made, the right to vote and many other social, political and legal examples demonstrate that historically not only have men and women been recognized as different, but they have been deemed - by many men - to be unequal. Physical size has given men the right to dominate in most human fields, even those where size is a handicap.
As a young child Robin asked his mother why there were mummies and daddies. Probably fearing a question about the facts of life, she said that mummies had long hair and danced backwards. Even then, Robin knew that did not answer his question, and what was more, she said it in a way that left him feeling that there was much more to discover.
Many people see men and women as being like chalk and cheese, or oil and water, forever incompatible, forced together with the greatest of pleasure for reproductive reasons only. Certainly our biological instincts and drives have a major influence on the relationships we form. As part of our genetic inheritance we seek sex, not only for pleasure but also at a deeper level to continue the species, to leave our mark in the world through our children. Sex is one way we can achieve immortality. But finding a mate is often portrayed as an act of cunning and manipulation, a combination of stealth and enticement in pursuit of someone you wished you could do without - man the hunter and woman the prey.
Robin sat in a bar recently pretending to read a newspaper and listened to a group of well dressed, well spoken, apparently well educated men sorting out the world. It took them about 10 minutes to find a solution to their company's woes, another five minutes to vent their frustration at being too junior to put their plans into action and another 20 minutes to develop a strategy to fix the world's economic difficulties. Then they started talking about women. That topic took a bit longer. This long deliberation was due, according to them, to female inconsistency rather than their own inability to empathize and understand.
Although they had had a few drinks and the clarity of their conversation declined every round, they were certain there was not a man alive who could understand how a woman's mind worked. And there was not a woman who would ever be able to understand a man. Following another half hour of heated debate which degenerated into a critical assessment of all females, one very demonstrative man waved his hands about and said, as though he had stumbled upon the ultimate truth, 'And do you know the worst thing about women? Well, I'll tell you what the worst thing about women is. I've heard them talking at their coffee mornings. Whenever they get together all they do is bitch about men.'
It is obvious that men and women are different. That has been openly acknowledged since we hunted with spears, apart from a couple of decades this century when in our efforts to acknowledge men and women as equal we have forgotten that people can be different and equal as well. The works of Shakespeare and other great writers show how differently men and women respond to situations. The way laws have been made, the right to vote and many other social, political and legal examples demonstrate that historically not only have men and women been recognized as different, but they have been deemed - by many men - to be unequal. Physical size has given men the right to dominate in most human fields, even those where size is a handicap.
As a young child Robin asked his mother why there were mummies and daddies. Probably fearing a question about the facts of life, she said that mummies had long hair and danced backwards. Even then, Robin knew that did not answer his question, and what was more, she said it in a way that left him feeling that there was much more to discover.
Many people see men and women as being like chalk and cheese, or oil and water, forever incompatible, forced together with the greatest of pleasure for reproductive reasons only. Certainly our biological instincts and drives have a major influence on the relationships we form. As part of our genetic inheritance we seek sex, not only for pleasure but also at a deeper level to continue the species, to leave our mark in the world through our children. Sex is one way we can achieve immortality. But finding a mate is often portrayed as an act of cunning and manipulation, a combination of stealth and enticement in pursuit of someone you wished you could do without - man the hunter and woman the prey.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Relationships
This blog will be using some ideas from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to explore relationships, because NLP is about how we create our own unique subjective world with all its pains and pleasures. NLP began with 'modelling' - how do people do what they do? How do the best communicators get their results? What do they do that is different? We can rephrase these questions to apply to relationships. How do you create a satisfying relationship? What do people who enjoy good relationships do that is different?
NLP can help us understand ourselves and others and we will show many ways to improve your relationships, but relationships are such a big issue that this blog goes some way beyond NLP in its scope.
You do not need to have any knowledge of NLP to enjoy and use this blog.
NLP can help us understand ourselves and others and we will show many ways to improve your relationships, but relationships are such a big issue that this blog goes some way beyond NLP in its scope.
You do not need to have any knowledge of NLP to enjoy and use this blog.
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